My Girlfriend Wants A Bigger Penis

So, I was chillin', minding my own business, when my girlfriend, let's call her Jade (because she's as green as my bank account after buying her gifts), drops a bombshell. She looks at me, all serious, and says, "Babe, I think we need to talk about your... equipment." I thought she was going to tell me I needed to upgrade my gaming laptop, you know, something I could actually afford. But no, she was talking about the other equipment.

Now, I'm not one to shy away from a challenge, but this was a bit... unexpected. I mean, I've always been a 'when it's broke, fix it' kind of guy, not a 'let's upgrade before it's even an issue' kind of guy. But here we were, and Jade was pulling out studies on average penis sizes (who knew there were so many?!) and talking about how she'd like me to be, well, a bit more... substantial.

I'll admit, I was a bit taken aback. I mean, I've always been a 'it's not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean' kind of guy. But Jade, she's more of a 'the bigger the boat, the bigger the motion' kind of girl. And who am I to argue with science? (Well, except for that one time she tried to explain string theory... but that's a story for another time.)

When in Rome...

So, I did what any self-respecting, modern man would do. I hit the internet. I mean, if you've got a problem, Google's got a solution, right? (Disclaimer: This is not always true. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, try to diagnose your own medical conditions based on WebMD. Trust me on this.)

Turns out, there's a whole world out there dedicated to helping guys like me... enhance their assets. I'm talking pills, pumps, patches, even surgery. I mean, who knew you could go from 'average Joe' to 'Joe Average' with a few snips and tucks? (Again, not literally. Please, do not try this at home.)

Surprising Fact: The Average Penis Size is... Average

Now, I know what you're thinking. "But what about porn stars? They're huge!" Well, first of all, not all porn stars are huge. Second of all, have you seen some of those guys? They're like human pencils with a tiny eraser at the end. (No offense to any pencil-shaped gentlemen out there. You do you.)

According to some study or another (I didn't actually read the whole thing, but it had a lot of graphs and charts, so it must be true), the average erect penis is about 5.16 inches long and 4.59 inches in girth. So, if you're reading this and you're thinking, "Wow, I'm way below average," well, first of all, welcome to the club. And second of all, remember, it's not about the size of your... boat, it's about the motion of the... you get the picture.

Size Matters... Sometimes

But here's the thing. While it's true that size isn't everything, it's also true that sometimes, it is something. I mean, think about it. Would you rather be a big fish in a small pond, or a small fish in a big pond? (I'm not saying you're a fish, I'm just saying, you know, metaphorically...)

How To Grow Bigger Balls at Frank Keith blog

And let's not forget about confidence. There's something to be said for feeling like you've got the right... tools for the job. It's like having a really nice set of screwdrivers. You might not use them every day, but when you need them, you're glad you've got them. And you're glad they're not all tiny and flimsy. (Again, not literally. Please, stop trying to apply this metaphor literally.)

Surprising Fact: Size Isn't Everything, But It's Something

So, I did some more research. I read about studies that said size doesn't matter, and studies that said it does. I read about guys who were happy with what they had, and guys who wanted more. I read about guys who had it all and were still unhappy. (Fun fact: Money can't buy you happiness. Or a bigger penis. Trust me on this.)

In the end, I realized that this wasn't about me, or my... equipment. It was about Jade. It was about making her happy, about giving her what she wanted. And if that meant giving her a little more... boat, then so be it.

The Final Decision

So, I made an appointment with a doctor. A real one, not one of those shady guys who advertise on late-night TV. (Although, I have to admit, I was tempted by the 'buy one, get one free' offer. I mean, who wouldn't want a free... whatever that was?)

And you know what? The doctor told me something I never expected. He said, "You know, you're actually a bit above average. And more importantly, you're healthy. That's what really matters." I felt a wave of relief wash over me. I mean, sure, it would have been nice to give Jade a little more... motion. But in the end, I realized that what I had was just fine. And that was enough for me. And, more importantly, for Jade.

So, there you have it. The story of how I learned that sometimes, size doesn't matter. And sometimes, it does. But in the end, it's all about what makes you, and your partner, happy. And if that means having a little more... boat, well, then, I guess that's just the motion of the ocean.