Fire Me I Beg You Amazon

Why I'm Begging Amazon to Fire Me (And You Should Too!)

Alright, gather 'round, folks. I've got a tale to tell about my time at Amazon, and trust me, it's a doozy. Now, I'm not one to badmouth my employer, but let's just say, I've become quite the expert in the art of 'self-termination'.

First things first, let me paint you a picture. Imagine, if you will, a vast, sprawling campus, bigger than some small countries. It's Amazon's HQ, and it's a marvel to behold. But here's the thing, it's also a bit like the Tardis. You think you've seen it all, but then, BAM! A hidden room full of free snacks. Or, you know, a secret lab where they're growing pizzas on trees. Okay, maybe not that last one, but you get the idea.

Welcome to the Jungle

Now, I started my journey at Amazon with all the enthusiasm of a puppy chasing a laser pointer. I was ready to take on the world, one package at a time. But little did I know, I was about to enter a world where 'work-life balance' is a myth, and 'customer obsession' is the new black.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I love a good challenge. But when your boss starts talking about 'working backwards' from the customer, and you realize that means you'll be working forwards until the sun sets, you start to question your life choices. And that's when I discovered the true power of Amazon's 'Two-Pizza Teams'. Because if you can feed your team with two pizzas, it means you're small enough to be agile. Or, you know, hungry enough to eat a lot of pizza.

When 'Insanely Great' Isn't Great Anymore

You see, Amazon has this thing about being 'insanely great'. It's their way of saying, 'We're not just good, we're off-the-charts, mind-blowingly amazing'. And while that's all well and good when you're talking about customer service, it's a whole other ball game when you're trying to meet those standards in your daily life.

I mean, have you ever tried to be 'insanely great' at making your bed in the morning? It's exhausting! And don't even get me started on trying to be 'insanely great' at small talk. Let's just say, my attempts at office banter were about as successful as a fish trying to climb a tree.

Meet the 'Amabot' - The Robot That's Not Quite Human

Now, you might think I'm exaggerating, but let me introduce you to the 'Amabot'. No, it's not a new line of Amazon robots. It's what we call ourselves when we've been at Amazon so long, we've started to lose our humanity. You know, like when you've been playing a video game for too long, and you start to think in pixels.

I kid you not, I once saw a colleague order a pizza using only Amazon's internal language. He didn't say, 'I'll have a large pepperoni, please'. No, no. He said, 'I need to acquire a large, circular food item with spicy, fermented topping'. And the delivery guy just nodded and said, 'Your order has been placed in the fulfillment pipeline'.

When 'Customer Obsession' Means You're Obsessed

And speaking of customers, let's talk about Amazon's 'customer obsession'. It's a noble pursuit, really. But when you're so obsessed with the customer that you start to think they're always right, even when they're clearly wrong, that's when you know you've crossed the line.

【オリジナルMV】I beg you【神来はる】(Cover) - YouTube Music

I mean, have you ever had to argue with a customer who insists that a book about gardening is actually a cookbook? Because they saw the word 'grow' in the title? I have. And let me tell you, it's not a fun conversation. Especially when you realize that the customer is right, because Amazon's algorithm suggested it as a 'related item'.

So, Why Should You Beg Amazon to Fire You?

Well, let me put it this way. If you've ever found yourself saying, 'I wish I could just unsee that customer's angry tweet', or 'I wonder if there's a support group for people who've been 'Amazoned'', then it might be time to start dropping hints about your desire to leave.

Now, I'm not saying Amazon is all bad. They've got some great perks, like free books (because, you know, they own a bookstore), and a Prime membership that's basically a key to a magical treasure trove of free stuff. But sometimes, the cost of all that 'insanely great'ness is just too high.

So, if you're feeling the burn, if you're ready to throw in the towel, if you're just plain tired of being 'customer obsessed' to the point of obsession, then do what I did. Start dropping hints. Big hints. Like, 'I've always wanted to try out that new startup that delivers pizza to your door'. Or, 'You know, I've heard great things about the customer service at Apple'.

And who knows? Maybe, just maybe, Amazon will take the hint and fire you. And then, you can finally say, 'I quit'. And mean it.

But hey, don't just take my word for it. Try it out for yourself. After all, as Jeff Bezos once said, 'If you don't fail sometimes, you're not innovating enough'. And trust me, if you're at Amazon, you're definitely innovating.